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We asked nearly a dozen experts in sex and intimacy for the advice they repeat again and again. For starters, they said, don’t get so hung up on how often you have, or want, sex.
Couples worried about “mismatched” libidos. People struggling to orgasm. Lovers wondering if they’re having a “normal” amount of sex.
Sex therapists, educators and researchers tend to see these issues over and over again.
So Well reached out to several of them to ask: What do you wish more people knew about sex and intimacy?
Here’s what the experts had to say.
1. Comparison is the thief of sexual joy.
Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia who is the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” spends a lot of time trying to persuade people to discard the concept of a “normal” sex life when it comes to how and how often they get intimate.
The frequency with which couples have sex is not a meaningful measure of sexual health, she said, even though it is something “people get really hung up on.” It doesn’t tell you anything about whether individuals are actually enjoying time with their partners, and the sex they’re having, she added.
“I have worked with couples who are having sex every night and are miserable together,” echoed Casey Tanner, a sex therapist based in New York City and author of “Feel It All.” Conversely, she has worked with couples who feel deeply connected and who have sex maybe three times a year.
Let go of the numbers game, Ms. Tanner urged, and instead focus on how each sexual experience feels.