How to avoid a contentious family holiday after the big election.Caroline and James Koster have spent years finding ways to connect across the political aisle. For decades, the couple from Brooklyn, N.Y., would line up at their local polling station with their two sons in tow and cancel out one another’s vote — she tends to be more moderate, while he is more conservative.Their extended family is politically mixed, too. Caroline, 58, gathers with many right-leaning relatives in Kentucky for a family reunion every year. And this month, the couple will celebrate Thanksgiving in Ohio with several of James’s brothers, who do not see eye to eye politically. “We run the gamut from super liberal to centrist to archconservative,” James, 59, said.“You can imagine, for some people, those kinds of differences of opinion drive them apart,” he added. “But we don’t let that happen.”With Thanksgiving a week away, families across a deeply divided nation are putting the finishing touches on their menus and are once again making plans to gather with loved ones who may be at odds over the results of the 2024 presidential election. As the country has grown increasingly polarized, how do families find their way back together for the holidays?“There are longstanding grievances on both sides,” said Kenneth Barish, a clinical professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College and author of the forthcoming book, “Bridging Our Political Divide: How Liberals and Conservatives Can Understand Each Other and Find Common Ground.”“So then the question is: What can we do?” he continued. “How can we have a better conversation? A less angry conversation? A conversation that actually goes somewhere?”We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

For some politically opposed couples, the election can’t end soon enough.In the 2024 presidential election, Karl Lenker is voting for former President Donald J. Trump. His girlfriend of a decade, Jan Lewin, is voting for Vice President Kamala Harris.So Ms. Lewin, 67, did not appreciate the Biden-Harris “Dumb and Dumber” mug that her partner bought for his morning coffee. Nor was she a fan of the toilet paper featuring President Biden’s face that he put in the bathroom of their condo in Atlanta. (Ms. Lewin retaliated by swapping it out for Trump-themed toilet paper.)Mr. Lenker, 74, a self-described “libertarian Republican,” does not hold back when it comes to talking politics. He believes Ms. Harris is a puppet being used to push a “liberal left” agenda that he calls “insane.”“Not all Democrats are stupid,” Mr. Lenker said. “But all stupid people vote Democrat.”Ms. Lewin tries not to be baited by Mr. Lenker’s ribbing, but she can be equally blunt: “I try not to attack Trump unless he’s doing something so stupid I can’t help it,” she said.Mr. Lenker and Ms. Lewin aren’t the only couple sparring over political ideology in the run-up to this historically tight presidential election. Recent estimates say about one-third of couples do not share a political affiliation, and for true split-ticket couples (6 percent or fewer marriages are between a Democrat and a Republican) this may be a “precarious moment,” said Cynthia Peacock, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of Alabama who researches politically mismatched relationships.Ms. Peacock’s research has found that people in such relationships tend to report slightly lower levels of relationship satisfaction than those who share the same views as their partner. “Political attitudes, you know, they’re not just like the opinions we have about our favorite movies or foods,” she said. “They’re tied to our morals, to our identity, to things we hold very deeply and personally.”We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

“The Golden Bachelorette” offers a glimpse at how dating changes after losing the love of your life. This is what it’s really like.Four months after her husband of 30 years died in 2012, Kathryn Shephard Cowan went on a date to the symphony with a man who seemed perfectly nice.In hindsight, Ms. Shephard Cowan, who is 81 and lives in Santa Cruz, Calif., isn’t entirely sure why she thought she was ready to try dating, why she felt so compelled to move on. “You can do it,” she had told herself before the outing. “You can do it.”What she didn’t anticipate was that hearing Beethoven — her husband’s favorite composer — would cause her to completely shut down, making a connection with her date virtually impossible.“I was just torn apart emotionally,” Ms. Shephard Cowan said.There are more than 11 million widows and 3 million widowers in the United States; like Ms. Shephard Cowan, most are 65 or older. And many are grieving a longtime partner while attempting to navigate the dating scene for the first time in decades. They may also be struggling to determine how soon to move on — by their own standards, and by society’s.It is a tricky dance, said Sherry Cormier, a psychologist and trauma bereavement specialist, whose husband died when she was 61.“Even when we do date or re-partner,” Dr. Cormier said, “and even when we’ve done a lot of work in processing our grief, it does not mean our grief is ‘over.’”We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

The series is selling a fantasy. But straight women in their 60s and 70s say the dating scene is anything but rosy.When “The Golden Bachelorette” premieres next week, the latest reality TV spinoff in the long-running “Bachelor” franchise will once again be selling a fantasy.Joan Vassos, a charming 61-year-old school administrator and grandmother, will spend weeks in exotic locales sifting through two dozen eager suitors — each vying for her affection.In the real world, however, many women say dating in their golden years is reminiscent of another Hollywood franchise altogether.“I would describe it as the romantic, geriatric ‘Hunger Games’ from hell,” said Anne Vitiello, a 60-year-old single woman from New York.Ms. Vitiello’s recent dating history has certainly been full of challenges. Would-be scammers targeting older women are simply a fact of life on the dating apps, she said, as are the men who’ve made her feel like dating a woman in her 60s is an act of generosity.There was the somewhat cranky boyfriend who tried to push her buttons by asking when Ms. Vitiello thought Drew, her beloved Maine coon cat, was likely to die. And the longtime friend who hoped to become her lover — but neglected to mention he was still seeing his girlfriend.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

Therapists and relationship researchers share 6 questions that can bring couples closer during this stage.Midlife can be a weird time. Maybe you’re grappling with new aches and pains or brain fog. Perhaps you’re one of the 2.5 million sandwich generation caregivers simultaneously caring for children and aging parents. Maybe you’re having an identity crisis, maybe not.Middle age lands somewhere between 36 and 64, or maybe 40 to 60, depending on whom you ask. It is also an inflection point in relationships, experts say, a time when many couples emerge from the daily grind of building careers and a family, and find that they’re in a union they no longer fully recognize. Rates of “gray divorce” among adults over 50 have doubled in the United States since the 1990s.“If you have children, your children are typically launching,” said Linda Hershman, the author of “Gray Divorce” and a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Pennsylvania. “Couples are suddenly turning around and looking at each other and thinking: What is this marriage about, and what is this marriage going to be about?”We asked Ms. Hershman and other relationship experts to offer some big-picture questions that middle-aged couples can discuss — or can ask themselves — to help them better understand their relationships, and what they want.What is our next chapter?Orna Guralnik, a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst who stars in the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy,” encourages her clients to consider their plans for the third chapter of their relationships (when the marriage is neither fresh and new, nor consumed by domestic demands).It’s a conversation she sees many couples having organically, particularly those in their 50s and 60s whose children have left home. “Where are they going to turn that attention?” she often asks. “And how is that going to inflect the couple?”We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

We asked nearly a dozen experts in sex and intimacy for the advice they repeat again and again. For starters, they said, don’t get so hung up on how often you have, or want, sex.Couples worried about “mismatched” libidos. People struggling to orgasm. Lovers wondering if they’re having a “normal” amount of sex.Sex therapists, educators and researchers tend to see these issues over and over again.So Well reached out to several of them to ask: What do you wish more people knew about sex and intimacy?Here’s what the experts had to say.1. Comparison is the thief of sexual joy.Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia who is the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” spends a lot of time trying to persuade people to discard the concept of a “normal” sex life when it comes to how and how often they get intimate.The frequency with which couples have sex is not a meaningful measure of sexual health, she said, even though it is something “people get really hung up on.” It doesn’t tell you anything about whether individuals are actually enjoying time with their partners, and the sex they’re having, she added.“I have worked with couples who are having sex every night and are miserable together,” echoed Casey Tanner, a sex therapist based in New York City and author of “Feel It All.” Conversely, she has worked with couples who feel deeply connected and who have sex maybe three times a year.Let go of the numbers game, Ms. Tanner urged, and instead focus on how each sexual experience feels.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

Many couples find it hard to open up about their intimate lives, but these tips can guide the way.As a reporter who covers sex and intimacy, I spend a lot of time listening to experts extol the virtues of open, honest communication. To have good sex — and to keep having good sex over time — couples must be willing to talk about it, they say.But some people would rather leave their relationships than have those conversations, said Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist and the author of “Achieving Intimacy: How to Have a Loving Relationship That Lasts” — especially if things in the bedroom aren’t going particularly well.“One of the things I often say to couples who are having trouble is: ‘I wish there was another way through this,’” he said. “But the only way I know to have a better sex life, or to resume your sex life, is to discuss it.”Dr. Chernin acknowledged how stressful those conversations can be, sometimes deteriorating into finger-pointing, belittling or stonewalling. That said, these suggestions may help.Embrace the awkwardness.It’s common for partners to have trouble talking about intimacy and desire. Research suggests that even in long-term relationships, people know only about 60 percent of what their partner likes sexually, and only about 25 percent of what they don’t like.Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationships therapist in New York City, said her patients frequently tell her that talking about sex is “awkward” — which is especially true “if you’ve spent months or years avoiding it,” she said.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

“Eldest daughter syndrome” assumes that birth order shapes who we are and how we interact. Does it?In a TikTok video that has been watched more than 6 million times, Kati Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Santa Monica, Calif., lists signs that she says can be indicative of “eldest daughter syndrome.”Among them: an intense feeling of familial responsibility, people-pleasing tendencies and resentment toward your siblings and parents.On X, a viral post asks: “are u happy or are u the oldest sibling and also a girl”?Firstborn daughters are having a moment in the spotlight, at least online, with memes and think pieces offering a sense of gratification to responsible, put-upon big sisters everywhere. But even mental health professionals like Ms. Morton — herself the youngest in her family — caution against putting too much stock in the psychology of sibling birth order, and the idea that it shapes personality or long term outcomes.“People will say, ‘It means everything!’ Other people will say, ‘There’s no proof,’” she said, noting that eldest daughter syndrome (which isn’t an actual mental health diagnosis) may have as much to do with gender norms as it does with birth order. “Everybody’s seeking to understand themselves, and to feel understood. And this is just another page in that book.”What the research says about birth orderThe stereotypes are familiar to many of us: Firstborn children are reliable and high-achieving; middle children are sociable and rebellious (and overlooked); and youngest children are charming and manipulative.Studies have indeed found ties between a person’s role in the family lineup and various outcomes, including educational attainment and I.Q. (though those scores are not necessarily reliable measures of intelligence), financial risk tolerance and even participation in dangerous sports. But many studies have focused on a single point in time, cautioned Rodica Damian, a social-personality psychologist at the University of Houston. That means older siblings may have appeared more responsible or even more intelligent simply because they were more mature than their siblings, she said, adding that the sample sizes in most birth order studies have also been relatively small.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

When people with different tolerances for clutter live together, things can get tense. Experts offer ways to find peace amid the piles.Last year, Tracy McCubbin — who has been a professional declutterer for two decades and lives by the motto “don’t put it down, put it away” — married a man she described as “very messy.”Both acknowledged the “cosmic joke” of their unlikely pairing. Ms. McCubbin put blue painter’s tape on every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen when the pair first moved in together, offering a map to what goes where. But she has also learned to practice what she preaches to her clients, staying cool and calm about messes that don’t affect her day-to-day functioning. Like his night stand, which is buried under books, charging cables and remotes to TVs she is fairly certain they no longer own.Or the jumble of tools her husband, an avid gardener, tends to leave in the yard. “It’s all over the place,” Ms. McCubbin sighed. “But you know what? We have a beautiful garden. Our fruit trees are fruiting. It’s really been about understanding: This part doesn’t matter.”Ms. McCubbin, and other experts in organizing as well as psychology, said there were a few practical strategies that could help pack rats and neatniks cohabitate in relative harmony.Improve your organization systems.“Oftentimes when one person is more cluttered, the underlying thesis is that they’re wrong, that they’re doing it the wrong way, that they’re bad,” Ms. McCubbin said. But in many cases, household clutter is simply an indication you don’t have solid systems in place.Some of the solutions she offers to clients are almost too obvious, she said. For instance, she has worked with frustrated parents whose children toss backpacks and coats in what she calls the “landing strip” just inside the front door. Hanging a few hooks that they can easily reach helps.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

The death of an animal companion can be every bit as devastating as other types of loss.On “The Daily Show” this week, the host Jon Stewart broke down as he announced the death of his beloved, three-legged brindle pit bull, Dipper — a raw, touching segment that exemplified the deep grief many pet owners feel.When an animal dies, owners lose companionship, affection and “just plain unconditional love — and we don’t find that in many places in our lives,” said Sherry Cormier, a psychologist and author of “Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss and Grief.”Our society tends to be “grief-phobic,” Dr. Cormier said, and there is a sense that the feelings prompted by the loss of a pet are relatively low in the hierarchy of suffering, or that it’s something that people should be able to cope with and move on from quickly. Dr. Cormier and other loss experts said that is not always true; and they shared ways to help a loved one through the loss of a pet.Validate the owner’s loss.Pet loss can lead to disenfranchised grief, meaning it is not validated or acknowledged by the wider world, said Michelle Crossley, an associate professor at Rhode Island College and vice president of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. Therefore, “a lot of individuals end up grieving in isolation because of fear of rejection from other people,” she said, adding, “They worry that they won’t understand or they’ll minimize the loss.”Keep it simple when expressing your sympathies, Dr. Cormier said. She suggested something like: “I know your animal was such an important part of your life and family. I can see how much he meant to you and how much you’re already missing him.”Pet grief is often complicated by feelings of guilt if your friend or loved one opted to put an animal down to minimize suffering, Dr. Cormier said. She has done so with two golden retrievers, but noted the circumstances were quite different. One lived a long, happy life; the other had to be put down unexpectedly because of an aggressive brain tumor.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.