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Saffron Anderton was at university when she was diagnosed as autistic. The 22-year-old, from Newmarket, Suffolk, also discovered she experiences alexithymia, meaning she cannot identify emotions.

Saffron similarly struggles to create mental images in her mind, a condition called aphantasia.

Here, in her own words, Saffron, who now lives in Cambridge, details how these conditions work together and her hopes for the future.

At age 13, I first discovered I might be autistic. After the passing of my great grandpa, I reacted in such a way that appeared odd to those around me and I said some things that just weren’t socially acceptable.

My eccentricities became more noticeable at secondary school, as I lost friends and began to be seen as weird. A number of reasons ultimately meant I failed my GCSEs, but after that my mum mentioned in passing that I might be autistic. It never went further than that suggestion.

At college, I was always very isolated and didn’t make any friends. My A-levels were just as disastrous. Like my GCSEs, I failed those too and ended up getting rejected by my university. After pleading with them, I kept my place.

Despite this success, after a month at university, where I was studying politics, I wanted to drop out. The social expectations were just so intense. Socials in some of my societies were compulsory, I had to talk to people in seminars and lectures, and I just couldn’t keep up or join in.

It got to the point where I thought that university wasn’t made for people like me. It was a tough time, but eventually I got hold of student support and mentioned to them about possibly being autistic. I then did the screening test for it.

The result put me above the threshold and so I was put forward for the assessment process. As they say, the rest is history.

In the end, I really enjoyed university. I was independent, controlled my own finances, my own routine. It gave me confidence. Once I accepted I didn’t like socialising, I found comfort in house mates who were just like me.

Autistic people are often thought to be visual, creative thinkers, but there are a selected few who are opposite to this and I am one of them.

I have aphantasia, which is the inability to form mental images. Research into the condition is growing, but when someone tells me to ‘imagine a…’ I just cannot do this. There is literally nothing in my head that resembles the thing I am being asked to imagine.

I first came across this term while accessing some post-diagnostic support. We were discussing how we all think and most people were saying how they can easily visualise images. I stepped in and said that this was difficult for me to think like that. I came across the term ‘aphantasia’ and found a test to see what level I was.

I must say now that aphantasia is not linked to being autistic. Anyone can have this. Perhaps while reading you notice that you do not think in pictures either.

Aphantasia is more a game of memory rather than a game of imagery. If I am asked to imagine something, with time, I will be able to compute something, but not because I can see it in my head, but because I can remember facts and information related to it rather than imagery.

It is hard to grasp, especially if you do not think in this way. In the same way though, it’s hard for me to understand how people can visualise images when I have no clue about it either. It is so fascinating to now know that my mind is so dramatically different to most people I know.

Has someone ever asked you ‘are you OK’ or ‘how are you feeling’? For most people, it’s easy to devise an immediate response. Some people though, however hard they try, just can’t give an answer. Well, this is another thing I can identify with, and it’s called alexithymia.

It’s like there’s a connection missing between the neurons in my brain – I guess the emotions area and the communication area just aren’t getting on. Sometimes it’s chaos. Interestingly, there’s research suggesting the majority of autistic people also experience this.

I can often tell that I am feeling something, but I just can’t express or explain what it feels like for me. I think I’m getting better at working out what is anger, sadness and happiness, but that is about it. Everything else is obscure and hidden to me.

I know through education and reading that there are a wide range of words to describe and identify emotions and I know that they are there somewhere, I just can’t recognise what I am feeling at the time.

Alexithymia does make things harder. I don’t know my own emotions and I find other people’s emotions really uncomfortable because I don’t know how to manage it, and I struggle to connect to people on an empathetic level too. So often I come across as cold, even if I do not mean to.

There is a certain pressure when someone asks ‘how do you feel’ because I try and force an emotion I do not recognise and this makes my head feel even more exhausted. The number of times I just say ‘I don’t know’ to those types of questions and it is not because I can’t be bothered to give an answer, I genuinely mean it.

I process information differently to other people and react differently to how people expect. But that’s OK. I manage in my own way.

Media around autistic people is wide ranging and certainly improving. But when we are covered, it is generally told in a condescending, sometimes derogatory manner.

I remember a recent news article about Paddy McGuinness’s family. I remember reading words like ‘suffering’ and ‘struggled’.

Yes, we have challenges, but with accommodation and support, we can achieve. I’d rather you didn’t assume we’re automatically suffering.

I mean, you can suffer with the flu; it will eventually go away. But you don’t stop being autistic. It’s a fundamental part of us and while there are many challenges, there is light. There is joy.

There does need to be a greater balance in terms of representation. Too often, the focus is on men, and while autistic girls and women are slowly being given more of the spotlight, there’s a long way to go.

Where are the other autistic experiences? The strengths, co-occurring conditions? There are non-binary autistic people, trans autistic people.

Language is also critical to changing perceptions and changing attitudes. I prefer, like most autistic people, identity first language, so I’m autistic rather than a person with autism.

Being more positive about autistic people will break down stereotypes and allow for more accommodations in public spaces.

Ultimately, autistic children need to know that when they become an adult that help is still there, and that being an autistic adult in the world isn’t a bad thing.

Since leaving university, I’ve been trying to find work in politics. I have applied to 15 jobs since finishing uni. All of them have ultimately been rejected and I’ve had just two interviews out of all of them. I can now see why just 22% of autistic people are currently in work. Employers think of the worst case scenario.

I’ve listed that I am autistic on my CV and I do want to keep it that way. I tick a lot of boxes for companies and inclusivity. I am productive, I keep to time and I notice patterns. I love a routine and repetitive tasks. Yes, my social communication lacks sometimes but I am not defined by just this. I am defined by everything that makes me autistic.

The challenge now is I’m more independent and I’m masking less. Masking is the exhausting process of trying to appear socially competent, suppressing autistic behaviours, putting on the ‘normal’ mask.

Politics is a perfect place for me. I like systems, I like laws. Everything has a structure. It means I can be autistic, I certainly won’t break any rules. I’m more trustworthy because of how I communicate, I am blunt.

If you want a straight answer then I’m the best person to give it to you. Hopefully people will be reassured that what I say is true because I am honest and find it hard to lie.

I want to be an MP because I want to be able to bring societal change. I think my biggest barrier is society’s views on autism and autistic people. There just aren’t any positive autistic role models in politics and it’s so important.

We need autistic people in society and in jobs. Around four in 10 autistic people have a learning difficulty, but we’re all still people at the end of the day and have some incredible strengths.

A lot of us still have the same career goals as ordinary people. Just because I’m autistic it doesn’t mean I can’t aim high.

As told to Nick Ransom.

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