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Obsessing over the past is taking over my life.
At 60-something, I am often troubled by regret over interactions with my three children when they were young. During their preteen and teen years, I would lose my temper as a result of their doing something I now recognize as insignificant. For example, my son accidentally threw away $10 in change when he was getting ice cream with his friends, which resulted in my screaming at him in anger.
I am a surgeon, and I’ll think about my ridiculous behavior at various times — sometimes when I’m operating on a patient — and have an overwhelming sense of regret.
Can you suggest any strategies to resolve this problem?
As an aside, my father bailed out on our family when I was 8. We were moving to a foreign country, and he never came to the airport. As you can imagine, my subsequent relationship with him was spotty and dysfunctional.
From the Therapist: Regret is as painful as it is common; however, it can also be a positive force, depending on how we respond to it. It can shackle us to the past, or it can serve as an engine for change.
So, let’s look at what you can do with yours.
First, some context. We all come into parenting informed by the parenting we received. Regret around parenting mistakes cuts especially deep because most parents enter that role intending to create the best possible childhood for their children, and vowing not to repeat the missteps of their own parents. But as you wrestle with your regret, try to remember that there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Healing from past parenting mistakes is a process that starts with self-compassion and leads to self-awareness and intentional repair — with oneself and, when possible, your children.