Why some older people who have given up looking for romantic love say they feel self-assured and satisfied on their own.Joy Lorton, 80, has been married and divorced four times.“I grew up in the 1950s and ’60s, when everybody was supposed to get married and have kids, so I did that,” said Ms. Lorton, who lives in Olympia, Wash., and has three daughters, seven grandchildren and a gaggle of great-grandchildren.But each of her marriages was marred by a different flavor of dysfunction, and since her last divorce in 2001, she has been devoutly and joyfully single. “It all goes back to the same word: freedom,” Ms. Lorton said.Now, she chooses whom she wants to spend time with. And that could mean no one at all: “I really like my own company,” Ms. Lorton said.Around 30 percent of adults in the United States over the age of 50 are single, according to a 2022 Pew survey, and despite the stigma that tends to surround both singleness and advanced age, many relish being on their own. Older singles were less likely than their younger counterparts to say they wanted to date or find a romantic relationship, and research suggests people’s satisfaction with being single tends to jump in middle age.“People in their 60s and beyond who are single and flourishing is an untold story,” said Bella DePaulo, a social scientist who studies single life (and is a single 70-year-old herself). “And it’s a feel good story that shatters all of our stereotypes.”Getting to know you.Dr. DePaulo said that one major difference between being single in one’s 60s or beyond and being single when younger is the self-awareness and self-assurance that come with age. There is research to suggest that self-confidence peaks between the ages of 60 and 70.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe.

Defense Secretary Lloyd J. Austin III is under scrutiny for concealing his prostate cancer diagnosis and treatment. But experts say it can be a common coping mechanism.The U.S. defense secretary is facing scrutiny after failing to immediately disclose to the White House his recent prostate-cancer diagnosis and a related hospitalization, a breach of protocol for which he has apologized.But while the secretary, Lloyd J. Austin III, as a cabinet member, faces certain expectations about what he must disclose publicly regarding his health, and when he should do it, mental health experts who work with patients who have serious illnesses, such as cancer, say that reticence is common — even in the era of oversharing online.“I see it with my patients all the time,” said Dr. Andrew Esch, senior education adviser at the Center to Advance Palliative Care, a national health care advocacy organization based in New York City. “It’s very human to not want to have yourself sort of flayed open for the world to see.”There are many reasons people might opt to keep their illness to themselves in certain contexts, experts said, but some are more common than others. Privacy can be a coping strategy, said Dr. Itai Danovitch, chairman of the department of psychiatry and behavioral neurosciences at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles, particularly in the early days following a diagnosis, when patients are deluged with new information.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? 

The sobriety challenge can offer a mental and physical reset, and the chance to adopt healthier habits.Dry January sounds like a simple proposition: No alcohol. For 31 days. And some enthusiasts jump in without much planning — perhaps even hungover after a rowdy New Year’s Eve.There is no data suggesting that those folks won’t be able to abstain from drinking, said Dr. David Wolinsky, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences with Johns Hopkins Medicine, who specializes in addiction. But starting the month with a few strategies in your back pocket — and with a clear sense of your goals — may help you get the most out of the challenge.“Most of the benefits of Dry January are probably going to be related to the intention with which you go into Dry January,” Dr. Wolinsky said. The challenge isn’t a stand-in for treatment for people with alcohol use disorder, he stressed, but those who are looking to get a fresh start to the year may benefit from the mental and physical reset it can offer, and the opportunity to adopt new habits. For instance, a 2016 study found that six months after Dry January ended, participants were drinking less than they were before.We spoke to Dr. Wolinsky and other experts about some strategies for a successful month.Tell people about your plan.One of the simplest steps is to spread the word among friends and family that you intend to take the month off, said Casey McGuire Davidson, a sobriety coach and host of “The Hello Someday Podcast,” which focuses on “sober-curious” topics.Research has shown that accountability can play a critical role in helping habits stick, and you might find a friend or partner to join you, Ms. Davidson suggested. Even if you don’t, you may be surprised by how encouraging people are of your goal (though she said you should share it only with people you trust).“Dry January gives people a period of time when they can stop drinking with community and support,” she said, “without a lot of questions.” Ms. Davidson also recommended reading books that may help you evaluate your relationship with alcohol, or listening to sobriety podcasts.Identify your triggers.Habits tend to be cued by certain environments or situations, explained Wendy Wood, a professor of psychology and business at the University of Southern California and the author of “Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick.”For instance, “you have a toothbrush ‘habit,’” she said. “You put your toothbrush in a certain place. You brush your teeth usually at about the same time in the morning in that place.” Dr. Wood said that for many people, drinking habits are shaped in a similar way.“Understanding where it is that you typically drink, who you’re with, what you drink, and disrupting those cues — disrupting the context in some way — is really critical to changing habits,” she said.It may help to jot down observations throughout the month, Dr. Wolinsky said, recommending three columns: What was the situation in which you wanted to drink? What were your thoughts about drinking? And what did you do instead?Find friction points.Building extra time or effort into an activity that is typically seamless for you — such as pouring a glass of wine when you walk through the door after a long day at work — greatly reduces the likelihood of engaging in that behavior, Dr. Wood said. Something as simple as moving your wine glasses to the back of the cupboard can create just enough friction to help you achieve your goal of abstaining.Similarly, Ms. Davidson recommended removing all alcohol from your home before Jan. 1, or at least your favorite drinks.“I was a red wine girl,” she said. When she took a break from drinking — a break that has lasted eight years — Ms. Davidson told her husband: “I can’t have any in the house. If it’s sitting on the counter, there’s no way I’m not going to pour myself a glass.”Make a plan for self-care.All of the experts recommended thinking about what you will do during moments when you would otherwise be drinking. So, instead of mixing a cocktail to relax before bed (which can disrupt sleep anyhow), you might try deep breathing or brewing a cup of tea. It may take some trial and error to find satisfying alternatives.“Give yourself grace” in the coming weeks, said Khadi Oluwatoyin, founder of the Sober Black Girls Club. Make time for rest to the extent you are able. And don’t take on too many New Year’s resolutions, she suggested; for instance, doing Dry January while adopting a new diet may be a recipe for failure. Some people slip up simply because they are hungry, Ms. Oluwatoyin said: “Go get something to eat!”Ms. Davidson recommends rewarding yourself, either at the end of each day or the end of the week. Fun activities or indulgences can help the month feel like less of a slog.“This is a period of experimentation and curiosity,” she said. “Instead of going to a bar, can you get a pedicure or massage on Friday night? Or get takeout sushi and plan a movie night with friends or your partner?” These “tiny shifts” can give you something to look forward to.

We asked vets how to keep pets safe from respiratory disease this holiday season.As an unidentified canine respiratory illness continues to pop up in clusters around the United States — causing symptoms like cough, fever and lethargy, and in more serious cases, hospitalization or death — many dog owners are wondering what steps they should take to keep their pets safe.Despite the alarming headlines about fatalities, veterinarians are urging pet owners to be careful, but not to panic.“At this point in time, I don’t think there is reason for extreme alarm,” said Dr. Deborah Silverstein, a professor of small animal emergency and critical care medicine at the University of Pennsylvania Ryan Veterinary Hospital. “I do think it’s a time to be cautious and to stay informed.”We talked to Dr. Silverstein and other experts about the strategies they recommend (and in some cases, are using in their own homes) to protect dogs’ health.Know your dog’s risk factors.Though it is unclear whether the “mystery illness” is a new pathogen or a resurgence of a known bacterial or viral infection, dog owners should ensure their pets are up-to-date on their vaccinations, Dr. Silverstein said.Be mindful that some dogs are at higher risk for more serious complications if they get sick.“The animals we really worry about getting severe infections are those that don’t have a good immune system,” Dr. Silverstein said. “So those would be very young animals, especially if they have not had a full series of vaccines, or very old animals, because they’re more likely to have comorbidities or other diseases that may weaken their immune system.”Brachycephalic or short-nosed breeds, like pugs and French and English bulldogs, also tend to have a harder time clearing respiratory tract infections, Dr. Silverstein said.Exercise caution around other dogs.The surest way to keep dogs safe is to isolate them from other dogs, said Dr. Renee McDougall, a specialist surgeon with Bond Vet. She and her husband have a five-year-old pit bull mix, Rupert, who adores walks and sniffing other dogs. But for the past three weeks, she said, the couple have kept him from engaging in any “nose-to-nose greetings.”“My dog is so sad!” Dr. McDougall admitted.“We know how this disease typically spreads is through droplets and face-to-face interactions,” she said. “So if we just avoid those scenarios, we’re probably being as safe as we possibly can be.” But if you rely on doggy day care while you are at work, for instance, or if you intend to board your dog over the holidays, certain measures may help mitigate the risks in group settings.Doggy day cares or boarding facilities:Ask about the facility’s vaccine requirements and its screening policies, the two experts said.“Make sure that they’re following strict guidelines with any dogs that are allowed in the building,” Dr. Silverstein said. “If they show up, and they have a cough or a sneeze, they should not be let in.” Though she cautioned that dogs probably shed the virus before they show any symptoms.Dr. McDougall recommended asking about the size of the group your dog will be spending time in. Is it, say, 30 dogs running around together? Will different dogs be present every day? Smaller, consistent groupings are better, she said. And ideally, dogs should not share toys or water bowls.“You’re the dog parent,” Dr. McDougall said, acknowledging that many owners rely on outside facilities to care for their pups. “You decide how much risk you’re willing to take.”Dog parks:Dog parks are already somewhat controversial, Dr. Silverstein said, though she knows how beloved they can be. But right now, she said it was “safest to stay away from other dogs whose health status and vaccine status is unknown,” unless you are certain there is “very little incidence of disease” in your area. (Cases have been reported in several states, including Colorado, Massachusetts, Oregon and Rhode Island, but the number is growing and the illness is most likely more widespread, experts say.) Some communities have temporarily closed dog parks.As an alternative, Dr. Silverstein said dog owners might consider having a “play date” with another dog whose health and vaccine status they know — though there is no guarantee of safety.When in doubt, reach out to your vet.The vets we spoke to emphasized that pet owners should talk to their veterinarians if they have questions about whether there have been cases locally, or if they need help weighing their pet’s risks.Contact your veterinarian if you notice your dog coughing or experiencing nasal or eye discharge, Dr. Silverstein said. If your pet is otherwise eating and acting normally, the vet may advise monitoring it at home for 24 to 48 hours or may schedule a telehealth visit, Dr. McDougall said.Dogs who seem lethargic or who are having difficulty breathing need immediate attention.Dr. Silverstein and Dr. McDougall each said that veterinary practices were being careful to avoid exposure among patients, and acknowledged that many clinics and animal hospitals were backed up, so finding care may be easier said than done.

Looking after a sick family member can mean putting your own life on hold, often with little recognition or outside support.Ann Brenoff didn’t worry when her dogs returned from a walk without her husband in 2015. He often dropped their leashes and let them race up the steep driveway to their home in the canyons of Los Angeles. “But after 20 or 30 minutes, we said ‘OK, where’s Dad?’” said Ms. Brenoff, 73, whose two children were then teenagers.They found him lying at the bottom of the driveway. He had collapsed walking up the street and crawled home. Ms. Brenoff’s husband was soon diagnosed with acute kidney failure and needed round-the-clock care.Three times a week, she made the hourlong drive to his dialysis appointments or arranged for someone else to take him. She cooked separate meals so he could follow a special diet, and squared off daily with their health insurance company. She learned that a bit of Vicks VapoRub under her nose helped mask certain odors as her husband’s condition deteriorated.“You wake up one day and realize you’re not a partner and a wife anymore,” Ms. Brenoff said. “You’re a full-time medical case manager.” She stopped seeing friends and gained 20 pounds. Her blood pressure climbed.And she got really angry.Around 53 million Americans are caregivers for a family member or friend with a health issue or disability, and nearly a third spend 20 or more hours a week in that role. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which calls caregivers the “backbone” of long-term home care in the United States, has warned that caregivers face many risks — anxiety and depression, chronic health conditions and financial strain, to name just a few. Yet experts said many caregivers feel they cannot speak openly about their frustration and anger.“The stress is just monumental and constant,” Ms. Brenoff said. “I was pissed off.”Ms. Brenoff’s husband needed to travel to kidney dialysis three times a week and eat a special diet. It fell to his wife to juggle it all.Mark Abramson for The New York Times“There’s this myth of the loving caregiver,” said Allison Lindauer, an associate professor of neurology with the Oregon Health & Science University School of Medicine. But she and other experts said that anger and frustration are inevitable parts of the caregiver experience, and that it is important to normalize those feelings.“There is a lot of stigma,” Dr. Lindauer said.A loss of controlAllison Applebaum, the director of the Caregivers Clinic at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center and the author of the forthcoming book “Stand By Me,” said that among the 4,000 or more caregivers she has worked with, she has yet to meet one who has not expressed some form of anger.Often just beneath that anger is a “deep well of sadness,” Dr. Applebaum said. Many caregivers feel powerless, she said, and take on the role out of necessity or a sense of duty. They have little control over what happens to the person they are caring for, or to themselves.“Many caregivers can’t plan for the next day or week, let alone the next month or year,” she said. “And that’s maddening.”That has been a source of frustration for Heidi Warren. For more than eight years, Ms. Warren, 48, has been a full-time caregiver to her mother, whom she lives with in Greenville, Pa. Her mother, 76, had complications from spine surgery in 2015 and developed chronic pneumonia, which has landed her in the hospital more than 30 times.Recently, her mom has been doing better. But when Ms. Warren was in her early 40s, her mother’s needs were unpredictable. “I essentially had no social life,” she said. She would make plans to see a friend in the evening, only to come home and find her mother in respiratory distress.“No two days are the same,” Ms. Warren said. “There are times when it’s like, OK, well, I planned to do this today, but now we’re at the E.R.”The pair are best friends, “so it’s a labor of love,” she added. But many caregivers don’t share that bond.“Not everybody loves the person they care for,” Dr. Lindauer said.Making an unrecognized sacrificeJohn Poole, 39, became a caregiver in 2014 when both of his parents had strokes within a month of each other. One of his main sources of frustration was the feeling that the health care system did not always take the work he did as a caregiver seriously — even as he took on some of the tasks a skilled nurse might perform, like administering medication and managing tube feedings.“The first year or so was very chaotic in the sense that I was just learning as I went,” said Mr. Poole, who lives in Sicklerville, N.J., and had to leave his job in state government because of the demands of caregiving.He did not qualify for state Medicaid programs that would allow him to get paid for his caregiving work. And though he had family help with some of the practical, day-to-day responsibilities, he sometimes felt as if well-intentioned outsiders suggested fixes without understanding the complexities of caregiving in the United States.“A lot of people’s frustration — I know mine — was that you’re doing very valuable work that is really not recognized by the outside society,” Mr. Poole said.Finding support through connectionLong-term caregiver stress has been tied to health issues, like diabetes, arthritis and heart disease. Given that, Dr. Applebaum advises caregivers to address the physical effects of anger, whether through breathing exercises, a hot shower or a run — whatever helps. Sometimes, she said, caregivers need a private place where they can just scream.Every person interviewed for this story mentioned the power of peer support as well.Jennifer Levin, 42, started a Facebook support group for millennial caregivers seven years ago, after caring for her father. He had progressive supranuclear palsy, a degenerative condition similar to Parkinson’s disease.“You have the baseline of a common experience, and so you don’t have to explain where you’re coming from with this anger,” Ms. Levin said. “A lot of times, I think people worry if they express it to somebody who doesn’t totally get it, that it will overshadow the totality of their experience.”Still, she said, there is a limit to how comfortable some people feel sharing, even in a closed forum of peers. “A lot of caregivers are afraid to express their anger, because they feel guilty.”Ms. Brenoff’s husband of 15 years died in 2017, after 18 months of “misery.” Before he died, she found solace in another Facebook group for caregivers, which observed Throat Punch Thursdays. “That was the one night that you could sign on and say you wanted to scream at somebody,” she said. She has since remarried and written a book about her experience: “Caregivers Are Mad as Hell! Rants From the Wife of the Very Sick Man in Room 5029.”Though most people have responded positively to her speaking and writing about her anger so openly, it has not always been easy.“There’s a lot of shame if you dare to say to somebody: ‘No, this actually isn’t rewarding. This isn’t what I signed up for,’” she said.

For ‘The Golden Bachelor’ and other singles of a certain age, there may be bad dates and false starts. But romance can be infinitely better after decades of life experience.When Janet Ha, 65, first tried online dating in February, she found it “confusing and weird.”Her son’s 20-something ex helped her make a profile on Bumble, but all of her initial matches were focused on hooking up.“I had checked ‘something casual’ — because I didn’t think I was looking for a relationship — but I didn’t realize what that meant on Bumble,” Ms. Ha said, laughing.She quickly learned to navigate the app, but still wasn’t sure what she wanted. Her nearly 30-year marriage had ended in divorce, and her children were grown. “I just did not want to have to take care of anybody anymore,” said Ms. Ha, a teacher from Minnesota who plans to retire in the spring of 2024.Dating among older Americans is in the spotlight thanks to the upcoming premiere of “The Golden Bachelor,” which follows Gerry Turner, a 72-year-old widower, on his quest to find a partner in a “Bachelor” spinoff show featuring singles age 60 and older. (Ideally, Mr. Turner has said, a “high-energy” partner who might like pickleball or golf.)Though reality TV is unlikely to reflect the typical experiences of older single people, millions of them are looking for love — and their stories are often overlooked. Older daters face all of the challenges their younger counterparts do — burnout, ghosting, gaslighting — but many of them have found that dating can be infinitely better when you don’t have as much to prove.The prevailing narrative surrounding the growing number of unmarried older adults tends to focus on the risks of isolation and loneliness. But Sindy Oh, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, said she was struck by how different dating can be for her older clients because they have a much stronger sense of self. “They have accepted who they are, and they are presenting themselves as is,” she said.‘Mind-blowing Sex’Though Ms. Ha’s introduction to online dating was inauspicious, four months ago she swiped right on Mike Ecker, 64, a divorced electrician from Wisconsin.Marta Blue for The New York TimesHad they met when they were in their 20s, Ms. Ha said, “I don’t think I would have been attracted to him, and I don’t think he would have been attracted to me,” describing herself as a “city girl” and Mr. Ecker as a “rural guy.” But their rapport formed easily and instantaneously. Whenever Ms. Ha matched with someone, she asked what song the person was “vibing to.” Mr. Ecker sent “Invisible” by Trey Anastasio. It felt like a sign, as Ms. Ha had been thinking a lot about the invisibility of older women.On their third date, Ms. Ha drove three hours from her home to his so they could spend the weekend together. They have spent nearly every weekend together since, playing Yahtzee and cribbage, cooking and having what Ms. Ha described as “mind-blowing” sex. (The secret, she said, is good communication.)“We are really open to talking about everything in a way that I have never experienced before,” Ms. Ha said. “I used to be afraid to show who I really was in a relationship before, because they might leave. And I don’t have that at all anymore.”‘Shot Out of a Cannon’One in three baby boomers is single, said Susan Brown, a distinguished professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University who studies demographic shifts in marriage and divorce, and an estimated 14 percent of single people between the ages of 57 and 85 are in a “dating relationship.”David, 61, described feeling like he was “shot out of a cannon” when he began dating after his marriage of 25 years ended in divorce. He said he had found the “loneliness of a cold marriage even lonelier than being alone,” and is now experimenting with polyamory and nonmonogamy. He’d had inklings of these things during his largely sexless marriage, but never felt like he could explore those sides of himself, and described the confidence he now feels as “a remarkable feature of mid-life dating.” (David asked that only his first name be used out of respect for his ex-wife’s privacy.)“One thing I quickly discovered is ‘Wow, you really don’t have to play any games at this point in life,’” said David, who lives in California. “I don’t have to tell any story that’s not true about me. And neither do they.”Kathy Denton, 64, said she felt “bolder” now, in part because she no longer experiences the pressure she once did to settle down. She has been able to find fun with some of the men she has met through dating sites, even if none have been a long-term match. One “delightful man” cooked her “the best soups and breakfasts”; another swept her off to his condo in Florida and showed her “how to have fun again.”Ms. Denton would like to fall in love again, but she has also “fallen in love” with herself, she said, and realizes that she is the only company she needs. She goes to the beach, spends time with friends and plans to enroll in a stained glass-making class. “If I had to spend the rest of my life alone, I’d be fine with it now,” said Ms. Denton, who lives in Michigan. “I love my life.”‘We Need a Lot of Patience’Dating after 60 isn’t all roses. Several people interviewed for this article mentioned how frustrating it is to meet people whose toxic behaviors have calcified over decades.“We need a lot of patience with each other to undo some of this crap we’ve been through,” said Ms. Denton, who added that she had dated men who turned out to be compulsive liars, or who she suspected had alcohol issues. She has interacted with men who clearly did not bother to read her profile, she said, and others who sent naked photos. Some daters also brought up sexual dysfunction, the shrinking dating pool for older women and the threat of being scammed.But for Ms. Ha and Mr. Ecker, opening themselves up to each other has brought them both surprising happiness at this stage in their lives. Mr. Ecker had been dating off and on for 10 years before he met Ms. Ha, and was coming out of a particularly difficult stretch when they connected. His mother and his beloved dog had both died, he had ended a three-year relationship and he had lost a chunk of his savings to stock market volatility, just as he was preparing to retire.Now, he and Ms. Ha are planning the next stage of their lives together, thinking about what they want retirement to look like. They feel lucky to have found one another. “Ever since that first message she sent me,” he said. “I have felt that this thing has been guided and out of our control.”

Sisters Audrey Findlay, 75, and Barbara Rowe, 63, start every weekday with an 8 a.m. phone call. An hour or so later, they head to work together at Findlay Rowe, the gift shop they opened 12 years ago. (Previously, they worked at the same health care company for 13 years, where Ms. Findlay was the general manager and Ms. Rowe was the payroll manager.)At 5 or 6 p.m., the sisters leave work and head to their homes — four houses apart. And after dinner, they reconvene for an hourlong stroll, slipping easily into what their adult children (they have nine between them) affectionately call their “twin talk.”“One of us will begin a sentence, not finish it, and the other will already be answering,” Ms. Findlay said.The sisters do have their arguments, as would be expected from two people who frequently spend the bulk of their days together. But they are committed to staying close and being there for each other.“Our dad was an orphan, and he felt very strongly about family,” Ms. Rowe said. “We can have a knock-down, drag-out fight, and the next day it’s like: ‘Well, where are we going to dinner?’”More than 80 percent of Americans grow up with at least one sibling, and research suggests those relationships can offer benefits well into adulthood. A 2019 study that focused on people in their mid-60s, for example, found that warmth between adult siblings may provide a buffer against loneliness and help boost well-being.Elias Williams for The New York TimesElias Williams for The New York TimesWhile there isn’t a lot of research on how well most adults get along with their siblings, data from the 2015 book “Adult Sibling Relationships,” co-written by Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, offers some clues. In qualitative interviews with 262 adults, 64 percent said they considered themselves to be a “good friend” to at least one of their siblings, and 45 percent said they considered at least one of their siblings to be among their best friends.Yet 70 percent said they had ups and downs with their siblings over the course of their lives, Dr. Greif said in an interview, and 8 percent said they were never close.“Sibling relationships, like all family relationships, have a certain amount of ambivalence and ambiguity,” Dr. Greif said — an obvious statement, perhaps, but one he believes is important for siblings to bear in mind, so they don’t set an “impossible standard” for what a solid relationship entails.And he and other therapists who focus on family relationships believe that it is possible to bolster an adult sibling connection, even if you do not have (or even aspire to) the kind of intense bond that Ms. Findlay and Ms. Rowe share. Here are three strategies that can help.Give each other permission to change.Nicholas Gant, 40, and his sister Gaybrielle LeAnn, 37, were extremely close as young children — Mr. Gant taught his baby sister to walk and talk, as family lore goes. But during adolescence, they drifted apart. Ms. LeAnn described her brother as a talented singer who was kind and charismatic; she said this created a “natural magnetic field” around him that sometimes made it difficult for her to find her own voice.Both attended historically Black colleges and universities, or H.B.C.U.s., an experience that they said taught them the importance of building community — and helped them “recognize our need for each other,” Mr. Gant said. He and Ms. LeAnn spent their 20s and 30s not only learning about themselves but making it a point to show up for and understand the other sibling, too: If Mr. Gant, who is a singer, has a show, his sister is in the audience. When Ms. LeAnn had a recent celebration to mark eight years since she survived life-threatening blood clots, her brother was there.“I feel like we really found each other again,” Mr. Gant said. “We sort of fell in love again as siblings.”Ms. LeAnn credits their “capacity to grow and love each other as individuals, and not just as blood relatives” with helping to make them “great friends.”That willingness to see and embrace a sibling’s growth is important, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist based in Charlotte, N.C., and the author of “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.”“Sometimes there is a version of you that they remember,” Ms. Tawwab said. For example, an older sibling might continue to think of a younger sibling as the “baby” — even if that baby is 60 years old. “You have to allow people to evolve and not treat them as you have always treated them,” she said.To get a better sense of who your sibling is, Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Miami, suggested periodically asking questions like: “What are you into now?” and “What is going on in your life that I don’t know about?”Dustin ChambersDustin Chambers“I like people to come back to themselves and think about: How much have I changed, how much have I grown? And how do I want my sibling to see me?” Ms. Goodman said. Then consider: “How can I extend the same grace to them?”Be mindful of how your parents affect your dynamic.All of the therapists interviewed for this story noted that no matter how loving parents may be, they can complicate sibling bonds. Dr. Greif said it can help to ask yourself: “Am I being ‘triangulated’ with my sibling and my mother or father?” By which he means: Have you fallen into a pattern of communication with your parent or parents that is shaping how you feel about your sibling, even if that is not anyone’s intention?To avoid that kind of interference, the experts said you can establish a simple ground rule: When you speak to your parents or spend time with them, you will not talk about your siblings — particularly if the conversation takes the form of gossip.You might also want to explore whether perceived parental favoritism is affecting your relationship with a sibling. Survey data suggests 40 percent of Americans feel like their parents had a favorite child, and studies have shown it can be a roadblock to sibling closeness.“In the research, favoritism from parents is one of the biggest influences on how that sibling relationship is going to function, especially in childhood,” Ms. Goodman said. “That’s the most finite resource, right? A parent’s attention. And siblings can absolutely carry that into adulthood.”Families should not shy away from discussing parental favoritism, Ms. Goodman said, though she acknowledged that having those conversations is easier said than done. Adult siblings can benefit from attending therapy together (with or without their parents), even if it is to address things that happened years ago, she said.Dr. Kramer agreed that having those kinds of direct conversations can help “repair years of resentment” between siblings, “if people are willing to talk about these sorts of things and to be honest with their perceptions — and be gentle with one another.”Make time to enjoy each other’s company.Growing up, Ken LoCicero, 54, and Ricky LoCicero, 58, were best friends and roommates. In adulthood, they found a grueling way to spend time together: They ran 50 marathons together in 50 states, a pursuit that took more than 20 years.Dustin ChambersThat may be an extreme example of carving out time for each other. But, Ms. Goodman said, siblings sometimes lose sight of the fact that their relationship, like any other, requires attention and care. “We often expect family relationships to thrive simply because someone is related to us, but it doesn’t work like that,” she said.Siblings should find ways to have fun together, said Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University who runs a program that teaches young siblings strategies for getting along. “It’s really hard when all your interactions are about problems one of you is having,” or when you are arguing about who is going to take care of a parent’s needs, she said. “Find moments where you can really enjoy one another.”Sometimes, it is enough to take out old photos and spend a few minutes reminiscing, Dr. Kramer added.The LoCicero brothers relished race days, and how they were often able to bring their wives and children along and make a weekend out of it. But they savored the hours they spent training and planning together just as much. Sometimes they ran in silence. Other times, they talked about work, marriage and kids. (The LoCiceros also have a sister with whom they are good friends and a brother who died from pancreatic cancer 15 years ago, a painful loss that brought them even closer.)Even though their 50-marathon quest has been completed, the brothers still talk on the phone or see each other every few days, and live only seven miles apart. “Kenny, I know, is always going to be available, accessible, willing to listen,” Ricky said. And he believes there is nothing that could change that bond.“With Ricky, there’s nothing I would not say out loud,” echoed Ken. To know how committed his brother is to their relationship, and to feel that they can be honest and vulnerable with each other is, he said, “a gift.”

Two-thirds of working parents surveyed met the criteria for parental burnout. Here’s how to spot the signs — and get help.For two years, working parents in America have been running on fumes, hammered by the stress of remote schooling, day care closures, economic instability and social isolation.Now, a new report says that 66 percent of working parents meet the criteria for parental burnout — a nonclinical term that means they are so exhausted by the pressure of caring for their children, they feel they have nothing left to give.The report, published Thursday by researchers with Ohio State University, is based on an online survey of 1,285 working parents that was conducted between January 2021 and April 2021. It gives a snapshot of a different time, when America was deep in pandemic lockdownsBut its authors believe parental burnout is here to stay, because working parents don’t have enough practical, structural supports to overcome the relentless stress, which isn’t abating. Any parent can experience burnout, but the new report focuses on working parents, who, the researchers believe, are at particular risk for exhaustion.“Parental burnout isn’t just going to end magically when the pandemic finally ends,” said Bernadette Melnyk, dean of the College of Nursing at Ohio State and an author of the report. “The chronicity of the pandemic has taken a toll and depleted many parents’ coping reserves that will take time and patience to build up again.”What are the signs of parental burnout?Parental burnout isn’t a clinical diagnosis that would end up in anyone’s medical chart, but many psychologists recognize it as a subtype of burnout — a work-related phenomenon now recognized as a syndrome by the World Health Organization. (It is not included in the DSM-5, often called the “bible” of psychiatry in the United States.)“As with burnout, parental burnout is defined as physical, emotional and mental exhaustion due to the ongoing demands of caring for one’s children,” said Dr. Jennifer Yen, a psychiatrist at UTHealth Houston.Of course, raising children is demanding in all those ways, which makes it difficult to draw a clear line between normal periods of stress and burnout. Dr. Yen said parents should be on the lookout for signs like fatigue, irritability, changes in sleep, appetite and mood, or aches and pains. What sets parental burnout apart is how severe those symptoms are, as well as how much they affect daily functioning.“It’s a state where you have been giving, and giving, and giving and giving — until you’re totally empty,” said Kate Kripke, a clinical social worker and the founder of the Postpartum Wellness Center in Boulder, Colo.Dr. Yen also noted other red flags that are specific to parental burnout, like feeling angry or resentful about having to care for your children, and starting to isolate from them physically or emotionally. Parents with burnout may also feel trapped or fantasize about leaving, she added.Though the new report may be useful to clinicians, the researchers wrote it directly for working parents. It includes a new burnout scale they hope parents will use to gauge how they are doing, which includes 10 statements such as: “I wake up exhausted at the thought of another day with my children” or “I feel like I am in survival mode as a parent.” Parents can agree or disagree with each on a scale from “not at all” to “very much so.” They are then given a final score that can help indicate whether they have what the researchers would consider to be mild, moderate or severe burnout.What to do about parental burnoutNo matter where working parents fall on that spectrum, it may be helpful for them to first acknowledge that many of the challenges they’re facing are beyond their control. It is impossible to be a dedicated employee and a dedicated caregiver simultaneously without adequate support. Self-compassion is important, Dr. Melnyk said.But parents facing mild burnout may be able to make immediate changes that will prevent more severe exhaustion. Find small ways to ask for help, the researchers say. If you are able, ask a family member or neighbor to pitch in with child care, even if it’s just to give you a short break. If you’re responsible for getting your children to and from school, activities and play dates, find others to car pool with so you aren’t running yourself ragged.The report found that 68 percent of working moms say they’re burned out compared with 42 percent of working dads, so it may be especially important for women to take breaks and ask for help — though that may not be simple or easy.Stressed-out parents may also find it helpful to tap into a sense of quiet and calm by practicing mindfulness. Research shows that mindfulness can help reduce parental stress, which may in turn help improve children’s psychological outcomes. It can be as simple as intentionally feeling the bottom of your foot on the floor and taking a deep breath, Ms. Kripke said.But breathing alone won’t solve this. Parents with more serious burnout should reach out to a primary care practitioner or mental health provider immediately. They can screen for issues like anxiety and depression. (If you are unsure how to find a mental health provider, it may be helpful to start by searching free online directories, like Alma, ZocDoc, Monarch or Headway.)Keep in mind that some mental health providers feel conflicted about the notion of parental burnout.“This is the first I’m hearing of the term,” said Dr. Catherine Birndorf, the C.E.O. and medical director of the Motherhood Center in New York City. She said she likes the concept, and the idea of a parental burnout scale, if they help parents who wouldn’t otherwise recognize they are struggling. But she worries that some parents may write off what they’re experiencing as burnout, instead of getting treated for an underlying condition like anxiety or depression.Dr. Birndorf also emphasized that the onus should not be solely on parents to recognize — and manage — their own burnout. They have been stuck in a situation she called “untenable,” caused not just by the pandemic, but also by a longstanding gap in policies that would offer working parents the day-to-day support they need.“The issues are systemic,” Dr. Birndorf said. “Burnout is happening in the context of a national crisis, which is about paid parental leave and universal child care. Without those things, what are we supposed to do?”